; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
