I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
