dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
