After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
