wanna go halves on a baby?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
