Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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