I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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