it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
