Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
