I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
