So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
