what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i need some magic done to my vagina
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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