I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
