I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
