Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
