That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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