We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
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