READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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