i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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