I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
