I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
