Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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