FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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