I got chris browned last night
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize