people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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