I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
