from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
