I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
