I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
