If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
