I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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