he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize