found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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