Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
