I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
