I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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