btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
