matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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