john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
