I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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