i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
