Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
