This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You are a booty call, not a friend.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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