Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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