My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
