my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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