You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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