Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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