Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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