Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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