Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
