Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
