Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
barbara walters just said penis...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
