I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
