If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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