last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
