i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
