That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
