Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
