My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
