i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
